Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Edwards Through the Years

I don't know why, but a thought dawned on me the other day while watching porn Jane Eyre. (Yes, the one with Michael Fassbender. God, that man is so freakin  yummy I'd swallow him whole. Well, as much as he'd give me.) My love affair with a man named Edward has occurred more than once...

Loved this adaptation.
I don't know how many of you have ever read the book or have seen the movie(s), but when I was in 7th grade I had to read about thirty books waaay out of my comprehension level. Jane Eyre was one of them. I remember thinking the dialogue was a bit tricky, but in the end, I fell in love with the book...and Mister Edward Fairfax Rochester.

He is described as:
Jane’s employer and the master of Thornfield, Rochester is a wealthy, passionate man with a dark secret that provides much of the novel’s suspense. Rochester is unconventional, ready to set aside polite manners, propriety, and consideration of social class in order to interact with Jane frankly and directly. He is rash and impetuous and has spent much of his adult life roaming about Europe in an attempt to avoid the consequences of his youthful indiscretions. His problems are partly the result of his own recklessness, but he is a sympathetic figure because he has suffered for so long as a result of his past.
Hmmm bad boy that's witty, rich and hot? Yes please. My first love affair with Edward. Rochester.

Do yourself a favor and just oogle that for a minute. 
Then say, about ten years ago, I saw a little movie called "Secretary"... you may have heard of it?

Lets just say it's not a graphic as MotU/Fifty Shades,  but
it does share a similar theme--BDSM
This is where I met E. Edward Grey. He's a dominant man who is morally conflicted with his desires, is incredibly quirky and detail oriented, and appears to give an amazing spanking. His love for Lee, the female character, and the way he's so tormented because of the way he knows to show it just makes me melt. I always think of him when I see red sharpies and orchids. His low, soft, you-better-fucking-do-this-now voice makes me frothy. So there it is, my second Edward. Grey.

He knows how to treat an orchid. And when
I say orchid, I mean vagina.
Remember this picture. Hot, hot scene.

Lest we forget Edward Cullen. Do I really need to say more? I've already beaten that dead horse.

I miss that sex hair!
And just for good measure, here's a few more of my newest obsession:

Yes, I'll eat whatever he'll give me. I'd lick it off the fucking floor!
HRC supporter? Hawt. Just ignore her. On second thought,
don't. She's hawt as fuck, too.
Dude does full-frontal and I STILL haven't seen it? I must be ill.
Yeah, you get the picture.
All my love, h00rs,








On a more serious note, I miss the hell out of you all. I bet you are surprised to see that I'm even still alive. Well, I got that coveted job....and...I kinda hate it thus far. It's all-consuming. I'm working "eight" hour shifts which turn into twelve hours just because I've not finished my work. I'm exhausted all the time, both mentally and physically, and I haven't gotten over the "OMG I could kill someone" feeling. My nurse to patient ratio is 1:30-35, and... I'll stop right there. 


There are good things in life, too. The hubs and I are doing well, I have my health and I'm gaining that dreaded experience under my license. The money is really nice, too. :) I'm rarely on twitter anymore, sadface, but hopefully as soon as life kicks the breaks a bit, I'll regain my social life. 


Stay kinky, my friends. Know I love you. 




It's time for a Jane Eyre re-read.....

Friday, February 17, 2012

And now for something a little dirty and nerdy...and more than a little weird

I'd like to start this post by saying...we aren't dead or dying! Well...I'm not anyway and I'm 99.9% sure that All Twied Up isn't either, I'm positive if she was I would have felt a disturbance in the force or gotten a text, er something... I hope.

Now that that's out of the way, I can move on to what this post is actually about. I was searching for a new toy, and not the kind you get for your spawn, I mean lovely children, but the kind you get for, um... personal fulfillment. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. And while I completely expected to come across a wide variety of vibrators, dildos, plugs and personal massagers of different shapes and sizes, I never in a gazillion years expected to see something like this...

That's right... it's a "Pocket Rocket" and I'd like to add what-in-the-actual-fuck?!? Who came up with this...Paedo's-R-Us?

Now, I know we all call them sex toys, but seriously people, do we really want them to resemble something made by Mattel??? Now, I like space aged fantasy as much as the next nerdy kinkster but this seems to be taking it a little far. I suppose the upside to having your favorite vibe look like something a preschooler would play with is that when your kid finds it and decides to show it to your in-laws you can claim that it's actually a surprise for the kid and not an adolescent-to-a-scary-degree looking sex toy. But still!!!

Am I totally off my rocker thinking this is just down right weird or what? Chime in below, I won't judge...ok...maybe a little. ;)

Sunday, February 5, 2012

It's someone's "Dirty Thirty"...not mentioning names..


Okay, I lied. Today is miss @Jaymes805's thirtieth! (And holy shit, I'm alive!)


Yes, that amazing lady on the left, along with myself and @amandakmelby
Doesn't look a day over thirty, does she? Heheh kidding, love.

I've had the pleasure of knowing miss Jaymes for over a year and a half. Both her and her amazing bestie/sister from another mister/twin-ish have become people who I've grown to know and love as some of the most genuine people in my life. Jaymes, your sense of humor is so unique and amazing that there is never a dull moment with you. You are caring, loving and have an unhealthy obsession with JRath, and I love you for all of those reasons.

We went to Forks with Twitarded back in 2010 and never even met eachother officially. It wasn't until the Eclipse DVD release party that I had at my house that we'd met face to face after developing a true bond over twitter and the internet. Yes people, it happens. :) Weird, right? ;) Having you so close yet so far is such a curse and a blessing. If I had my way, we'd be hanging out all the time. But alas, such is not the case. I was so happy to be able to spend as much time with you as I did during Forks 2011!

There are so many things that remind me of you... Thanksgiving, Superbowl Sunday, JRath, 100 Monkeys, FOOORKS 2011 and our epic time, Almond Champagne, our Twilight-themed animal names.. but when I get serious for a minute, you are exactly what every girl should have in a friend. You are open, loving, a complete blast to hang out with, and I am so happy that I get to call you my friend.

And I can't wait to freakin see you again. It needs to be sooner rather than later, h00r.

I love you.


Arrrrgh!
Much love,

Thursday, December 29, 2011

We interrupt this long stretch of silence to bring you...

a drool worthy NSFW photo of this guy...

I'd like to thank D&G and good genetics for the, um, view...


Y'all can thank me when you're finished cleaning the drool off of your preferred link to the outside world.

I'm sorry to have been so out of touch lately but RL is a real bitch and of course the holidays are always overly time consuming. I love and miss you all. I hope you had an amazing Christmas or similar festivity and your new year is filled with laughter, happiness and lots of porn. ;)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

**crickets**

Yes, yes, we are still alive and pervy as ever. RL is a bitch, as most of you know. Busy as a motherfucker. But I have something in mind, it is great, and you will see it soon. Until then, enjoy this awesomeness. In it's entirety.


This song reminds me of such great times with my h00rs.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

1 more day people...1.More.Day!!!!!

Ok, so I'm just sooooooooooo excited I couldn't not do a teeny tiny post about heading to Forks. Again! I have mentally checked out, packed my bags and headed for the airport. Unfortunately, my physical self must go to work tomorrow before it can catch up with my mentality. I have a feeling it's gonna be a loooonnnggggg two days. So instead of despising every minute until I leave on Wednesday morning, I plan on looking forward to hanging with my favorite tweeps, visiting Escala (which I found out today is less than 3 blocks from our hotel in Seattle SQUEEEEEE!!!!), hiking the Hoh with AllTwiedUp, tackle hugging those of you I did & didn't meet last year & drinking until my liver stages a formal protest.


See you soon Forks!!!


Let the count down continue.....


Only 2600 more minutes til my flight!!!!!



Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Forks, "I fucking need you now tonight..."

"........I fucking need you more than ever!"

...Old School? Anybody? Okay, anyways, my mind is so fucking preoccupied with FOOORKS.



Ahh the crazy times.....
I can't wait for..



The libations and delicious local beer...



Our karaoke fiends!!
Maybe some quasi-attractive locals?
(quasi meaning tall, fit AND can sing...)

With very peculiar tattoos?
Hunting (with my .22) for Jacob on First Beach!

Taking a million more pics like this!

Going to one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen!

...and taking more pictures....

and even more pictures!
and even MORE! 
And hiking to waterfalls....


 But most of all....
Friends

Birds of a feather

h00rs united

partying Twitarded style

the goofy-ass things we will do

adorable friends that don't get the RPatz thing,
but I still love...

the great conversation

these ladies!!

these ladies!

And the lovely women who gave me all of the afore-mentioned. 

I heart you so and I can't wait to see you all!
Can I get a HOOTY HOOOOOO for FOOOORKS??

Much love,



Monday, August 29, 2011

My theme song at the moment....

First off, Lily Allen is a fave of mine. I think she's amazing.

Without further ado, ladies (and gentlemen?) enjoy.



Lyrics...

Do you think, everything, everyone is going mental
It seems to me, we're spiraling out of control, and it's inevitable
Now don't you think, this time is yours, this time is mine, it's temperamental
It seems to me, we're on our fours, crawling on out knees, someone help us please

Oh Jesus Christ almighty
Do I feel alright, no not slightly
I wanna get a flat, I know I can't afford it
It's just a bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage

It's very funny 'cos I got your fucking money
And I'm never gonna get it, just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I musn't grumble
I suppose this is the way the cookie crumble

Oh yes, I'm fine
Everything's just wonderful
I'm having the time of my life

Don't you want, something else, something new, than what we got here
And don't you feel, it's all the same, some sick game, and it's not insencere
I wish I could, change the ways, of the world, make it a nice place
Until that day, I guess we stay, doing what we do, screwing who we screw

Why can't I sleep at night
Don't say it's gonna be alright
I wanna be able to eat spaghetti bolognaise
And not feel bad about it for days and days and days

In all the magazines they talk about weight loss
If I buy those jeans I could look like Kate Moss
I know it's not the life that I chose
But I guess it's just the way that things go

Oh yes, I'm fine
Everything's just wonderful
I'm having the time of my life

Oh yes, I'm fine
Everything's just wonderful
I'm having the time of my life

Ba ba ba ba etc.

Oh Jesus Christ almighty
Do I feel alright, no not slightly
I wanna get a flat, I know I can't afford it
It's just a bureaucrats that won't give me a mortgage

It's very funny 'cos I got your fucking money
And I'm never gonna get it just 'cos of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I musn't grumble
I suppose it's just the way the cookie crumbles

But I guess it's just the way that things go
I suppose it's just the way the cookie crumbles
But I guess it's just the way that things go
I suppose it's just the way the cookie crumbles



Nothing to worry about, my loves... just one of those things. Hugs welcome. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

Dear Edward, I'm sorry, but I've found someone new...

I know this may seem sudden, but you have to admit, we've had a good run. In the beginning I was very taken by you. Your handsome young face, deep soulful golden…no black… no golden eyes, long lean body covered in icy sparkling skin. I loved your unruly but perfect ‘sex’ hair. But, then I started to want more. At first I was happy, reading about tenuous kisses and innocent touches. But then, I found you had a few alternate personalities that were a little more sophisticated and appealed to my more, what’s the right word…passionate side. I learned to love you as a hockey player, a tattoo artist, a dominant (he was my favorite, btw). Part of the reason I’m leaving you is, your just too reserved for me Edward. I need a man who is not afraid to lose their temper and to embrace his inner beast. I need a man that is not afraid to become a snarling, murderous, unrecognizable creature and refuses to apologize for it. But now, even though I have thoroughly enjoyed our time together *coughs* redroomofpain *coughs*…I have found that man - well not really a man… I’m actually not sure what he is – that fulfills my desires and brings out a much more carnal passion than I ever thought possible. He’s older, I know you’re 109, but he has lived for millennia and his experience gives him an indefinable air. He knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to take it. And I know what I want… him to mark me, him to own me, just him and black silk sheets. I will always have a special place in my heart for you, Edward. And, I would say maybe we could still spend time together, but Jericho doesn’t like to share. Take care of yourself, norcaltwitard.

Okay h00rs, I know that many of you may be appalled right now. But, just let me explain. A about a month ago I was on twitter (I know, big shock) and @TwilightCougar1 retweeted a tweet from some guy named Jericho Barrons to some lucky bitch named MacKayla Lane…and it was HAWT! Like, singe your eyeballs hawt. And I was like, why doesn’t that ever happen to me?! And so I retweeted the quote with that exact question. @TwilightCougar1 was a very helpful crack dealer, I mean h00r, and explained that Jericho and MacKayla are characters in The Fever series by Karen Marie Moning that she absolutely loves. (I know actual books, who knew?) Anyway, it didn’t take much to convince me that I HAD to read this series. Especially, when she started throwing around phrases like ‘super hawt UST’ (or unresolved sexual tension, for those of you who don’t know) cuz I love me some good UST. @TwilightCougar1 told me that I would absolutely love Jericho Barrons annndddd boy was that the understatement of the century. Cuz, I really really really fluv Jericho Barrons. He’s dark, he’s mysterious, he’s evil, he’s good, he’s protective and possessive and he’s got a body to die for and I could just go on and on. If you’re anything like me, which you probably are if you’re reading this, you will really enjoy getting to know JZB. Here is a little teaser of the plot of the first book in the series, Darkfever…

MacKayla Lane’s life is good. She has great friends, a decent job, and a car that breaks down only every other week or so. In other words, she’s your perfectly ordinary twenty-first-century woman. Or so she thinks... until something extraordinary happens. When her sister is murdered, leaving a single clue to her death–a cryptic message on Mac’s cell phone–Mac journeys to Ireland in search of answers. The quest to find her sister’s killer draws her into a shadowy realm where nothing is as it seems, where good and evil wear the same treacherously seductive mask. She is soon faced with an even greater challenge: staying alive long enough to learn how to handle a power she had no idea she possessed–a gift that allows her to see beyond the world of man, into the dangerous realm of the Fae...

I also thought you might like to see a few of my fav lines along with a pic of what I invision Jericho to look like sooooooooo....



"I want what I want and I take it."

"There's nothing I can't live with. Only things I can't live without."

"He glides toward me, in that way that barely dispaces air. A velvet shadow in the darkness."

Jerricho: "They'll try to kill you." McKayla: "Will you?" Jerricho: "Never. I'm the one who will always watch over you. Always be there to fuck you back to your senses when you need it, the one who will never let you die."






You can find out more by visiting the authors website but trust me when I say these books are addictive, mysterious, adventure filled and hawt with a capital H! So be good little h00rs and go read them…and then come back and let me know what you thought. Cuz I’ll probably just be sitting on my couch reading all my favorite parts again, and again, and again....

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Not so dirty, not so hot...well, at least I got the nerdy part right.

*walks timidly toward the microphone and taps it softly* Is this thing on? Okay, so you are all probably wondering what I’m doing here, and to be perfectly honest, so am I. I guess I should back up. In case you haven’t already figured it out, I am not the normal voice of ‘Dirty, Hot and Nerdy’. Hi *waves*, I’m norcaltwitard and I’m an alco…wait, wrong intro. Some of you probably know me from twitter and the occasional comment on Twitarded and the rest of you are probably thinking “Who??”

Long story short… I got the flu really bad, like can’t sit up or move bad, about a year and a half ago and my mom was kind enough to buy me a book. That book was New Moon (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, just stop reading now and go away. Kthxbai.) and I was hooked. A few short months and several readings of the Twilight books later I stumbled across an MTV article about odd Twilight related merchandise that led me to Twitarded. After reading the Pattinson Panties post and nearly pissing myself from laughing harder than I had in literally years I became a devoted stalker, I mean blog follower. Over the next few months I discovered fanfiction, nurtured my ridiculous obsession with all things RPattz and I made the pilgrimage to Forks to meet the holy twifecta and the rest of the Twitarded h00rs I had come to know and love. And that is where I first met All Twied Up. We kareokeed…it was awesome. Since Forks, All Twied Up has become my bestest bestie and I have a feeling if we didn’t live two hours apart, we would be pretty much inseparable. I even told Mr. All Twied Up that All Twied Up was mine now and he can’t have her back, and yes, copious amounts of wine contributed to that statement, but it didn’t make it any less true.


I know you’re all wondering, “What does that have to do with why I am invading her blog today?” Well, it’s because over the last several months, along with her constant badgering about how much I “need” to join facebook (which I am still NOT doing, btw), All Twied Up has been pushing me to start a blog. And since she is an unyielding, pushy, dominatrix-type force, and I fluv her more than almost anyone she finally wore me down…sortof. Instead of starting my own blog, because I have no idea what I would fill it with or why anyone would read it, I told her I was going to hijack hers. This was followed by a desperate tweet to her that said I can’t hijack her blog because I am, in fact, not a hacker. Anyway, that is the short version of why I'm here today.


I really have no fucking clue why All Twied Up thinks I should write a blog, much less contribute to hers because I am not “dirty” or “hot” by any stretch of the imagination. All Twied Up refers to me as her ‘vanilla’ friend. That is a drastic overstatement… vanilla has way too much spice to be in anyway related to my sex life.

This glass of tepid water is a better representation of my sex life. Except that the water actually exists...my sex life, not so much.


The good news (shutup it is good news): I am very nerdy!





Intelligence…check. Socially Inept…check. Obsession…triple check.


I find extreme pleasure in a ridiculous number of dorky things, including but not limited to Star Trek, Star Wars, Monty Python, Achmed the Dead Terrorist and movies based on cartoons from the 80’s.





I own 2 pairs of jeans and wear $5 t-shirts because I’m too cheap for anything else and I bought a $13 spatula because it looks like Darth Vader. I really do need help.


I also have an unhealthy obsession with all things Twilight and/or RPattz related (this is not new to those of you who know me) and I know way too much about Great White sharks for a person who is not a Marine Biologist or that dead Crocodile Hunter guy.


Crikey…I love these sharks! Isn't he cute! Did you know they are actually warm blooded and give birth to live young?!?! So cool!


Sooooo, here I am in all my nerdy twilight/Rob obsessed glory writing my very first ever totally pointless blog post. Go easy on me… or don’t ‘cause I might enjoy the abuse. Hmmm, maybe I’m not so ‘vanilla’ after all ;)