Thursday, December 29, 2011

We interrupt this long stretch of silence to bring you...

a drool worthy NSFW photo of this guy...

I'd like to thank D&G and good genetics for the, um, view...

Y'all can thank me when you're finished cleaning the drool off of your preferred link to the outside world.

I'm sorry to have been so out of touch lately but RL is a real bitch and of course the holidays are always overly time consuming. I love and miss you all. I hope you had an amazing Christmas or similar festivity and your new year is filled with laughter, happiness and lots of porn. ;)

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Yes, yes, we are still alive and pervy as ever. RL is a bitch, as most of you know. Busy as a motherfucker. But I have something in mind, it is great, and you will see it soon. Until then, enjoy this awesomeness. In it's entirety.

This song reminds me of such great times with my h00rs.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

1 more day people...1.More.Day!!!!!

Ok, so I'm just sooooooooooo excited I couldn't not do a teeny tiny post about heading to Forks. Again! I have mentally checked out, packed my bags and headed for the airport. Unfortunately, my physical self must go to work tomorrow before it can catch up with my mentality. I have a feeling it's gonna be a loooonnnggggg two days. So instead of despising every minute until I leave on Wednesday morning, I plan on looking forward to hanging with my favorite tweeps, visiting Escala (which I found out today is less than 3 blocks from our hotel in Seattle SQUEEEEEE!!!!), hiking the Hoh with AllTwiedUp, tackle hugging those of you I did & didn't meet last year & drinking until my liver stages a formal protest.

See you soon Forks!!!

Let the count down continue.....

Only 2600 more minutes til my flight!!!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Forks, "I fucking need you now tonight..."

"........I fucking need you more than ever!"

...Old School? Anybody? Okay, anyways, my mind is so fucking preoccupied with FOOORKS.

Ahh the crazy times.....
I can't wait for..

The libations and delicious local beer...

Our karaoke fiends!!
Maybe some quasi-attractive locals?
(quasi meaning tall, fit AND can sing...)

With very peculiar tattoos?
Hunting (with my .22) for Jacob on First Beach!

Taking a million more pics like this!

Going to one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen!

...and taking more pictures....

and even more pictures!
and even MORE! 
And hiking to waterfalls....

 But most of all....

Birds of a feather

h00rs united

partying Twitarded style

the goofy-ass things we will do

adorable friends that don't get the RPatz thing,
but I still love...

the great conversation

these ladies!!

these ladies!

And the lovely women who gave me all of the afore-mentioned. 

I heart you so and I can't wait to see you all!

Much love,

Monday, August 29, 2011

My theme song at the moment....

First off, Lily Allen is a fave of mine. I think she's amazing.

Without further ado, ladies (and gentlemen?) enjoy.


Do you think, everything, everyone is going mental
It seems to me, we're spiraling out of control, and it's inevitable
Now don't you think, this time is yours, this time is mine, it's temperamental
It seems to me, we're on our fours, crawling on out knees, someone help us please

Oh Jesus Christ almighty
Do I feel alright, no not slightly
I wanna get a flat, I know I can't afford it
It's just a bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage

It's very funny 'cos I got your fucking money
And I'm never gonna get it, just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I musn't grumble
I suppose this is the way the cookie crumble

Oh yes, I'm fine
Everything's just wonderful
I'm having the time of my life

Don't you want, something else, something new, than what we got here
And don't you feel, it's all the same, some sick game, and it's not insencere
I wish I could, change the ways, of the world, make it a nice place
Until that day, I guess we stay, doing what we do, screwing who we screw

Why can't I sleep at night
Don't say it's gonna be alright
I wanna be able to eat spaghetti bolognaise
And not feel bad about it for days and days and days

In all the magazines they talk about weight loss
If I buy those jeans I could look like Kate Moss
I know it's not the life that I chose
But I guess it's just the way that things go

Oh yes, I'm fine
Everything's just wonderful
I'm having the time of my life

Oh yes, I'm fine
Everything's just wonderful
I'm having the time of my life

Ba ba ba ba etc.

Oh Jesus Christ almighty
Do I feel alright, no not slightly
I wanna get a flat, I know I can't afford it
It's just a bureaucrats that won't give me a mortgage

It's very funny 'cos I got your fucking money
And I'm never gonna get it just 'cos of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I musn't grumble
I suppose it's just the way the cookie crumbles

But I guess it's just the way that things go
I suppose it's just the way the cookie crumbles
But I guess it's just the way that things go
I suppose it's just the way the cookie crumbles

Nothing to worry about, my loves... just one of those things. Hugs welcome. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

Dear Edward, I'm sorry, but I've found someone new...

I know this may seem sudden, but you have to admit, we've had a good run. In the beginning I was very taken by you. Your handsome young face, deep soulful golden…no black… no golden eyes, long lean body covered in icy sparkling skin. I loved your unruly but perfect ‘sex’ hair. But, then I started to want more. At first I was happy, reading about tenuous kisses and innocent touches. But then, I found you had a few alternate personalities that were a little more sophisticated and appealed to my more, what’s the right word…passionate side. I learned to love you as a hockey player, a tattoo artist, a dominant (he was my favorite, btw). Part of the reason I’m leaving you is, your just too reserved for me Edward. I need a man who is not afraid to lose their temper and to embrace his inner beast. I need a man that is not afraid to become a snarling, murderous, unrecognizable creature and refuses to apologize for it. But now, even though I have thoroughly enjoyed our time together *coughs* redroomofpain *coughs*…I have found that man - well not really a man… I’m actually not sure what he is – that fulfills my desires and brings out a much more carnal passion than I ever thought possible. He’s older, I know you’re 109, but he has lived for millennia and his experience gives him an indefinable air. He knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to take it. And I know what I want… him to mark me, him to own me, just him and black silk sheets. I will always have a special place in my heart for you, Edward. And, I would say maybe we could still spend time together, but Jericho doesn’t like to share. Take care of yourself, norcaltwitard.

Okay h00rs, I know that many of you may be appalled right now. But, just let me explain. A about a month ago I was on twitter (I know, big shock) and @TwilightCougar1 retweeted a tweet from some guy named Jericho Barrons to some lucky bitch named MacKayla Lane…and it was HAWT! Like, singe your eyeballs hawt. And I was like, why doesn’t that ever happen to me?! And so I retweeted the quote with that exact question. @TwilightCougar1 was a very helpful crack dealer, I mean h00r, and explained that Jericho and MacKayla are characters in The Fever series by Karen Marie Moning that she absolutely loves. (I know actual books, who knew?) Anyway, it didn’t take much to convince me that I HAD to read this series. Especially, when she started throwing around phrases like ‘super hawt UST’ (or unresolved sexual tension, for those of you who don’t know) cuz I love me some good UST. @TwilightCougar1 told me that I would absolutely love Jericho Barrons annndddd boy was that the understatement of the century. Cuz, I really really really fluv Jericho Barrons. He’s dark, he’s mysterious, he’s evil, he’s good, he’s protective and possessive and he’s got a body to die for and I could just go on and on. If you’re anything like me, which you probably are if you’re reading this, you will really enjoy getting to know JZB. Here is a little teaser of the plot of the first book in the series, Darkfever…

MacKayla Lane’s life is good. She has great friends, a decent job, and a car that breaks down only every other week or so. In other words, she’s your perfectly ordinary twenty-first-century woman. Or so she thinks... until something extraordinary happens. When her sister is murdered, leaving a single clue to her death–a cryptic message on Mac’s cell phone–Mac journeys to Ireland in search of answers. The quest to find her sister’s killer draws her into a shadowy realm where nothing is as it seems, where good and evil wear the same treacherously seductive mask. She is soon faced with an even greater challenge: staying alive long enough to learn how to handle a power she had no idea she possessed–a gift that allows her to see beyond the world of man, into the dangerous realm of the Fae...

I also thought you might like to see a few of my fav lines along with a pic of what I invision Jericho to look like sooooooooo....

"I want what I want and I take it."

"There's nothing I can't live with. Only things I can't live without."

"He glides toward me, in that way that barely dispaces air. A velvet shadow in the darkness."

Jerricho: "They'll try to kill you." McKayla: "Will you?" Jerricho: "Never. I'm the one who will always watch over you. Always be there to fuck you back to your senses when you need it, the one who will never let you die."

You can find out more by visiting the authors website but trust me when I say these books are addictive, mysterious, adventure filled and hawt with a capital H! So be good little h00rs and go read them…and then come back and let me know what you thought. Cuz I’ll probably just be sitting on my couch reading all my favorite parts again, and again, and again....

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Not so dirty, not so hot...well, at least I got the nerdy part right.

*walks timidly toward the microphone and taps it softly* Is this thing on? Okay, so you are all probably wondering what I’m doing here, and to be perfectly honest, so am I. I guess I should back up. In case you haven’t already figured it out, I am not the normal voice of ‘Dirty, Hot and Nerdy’. Hi *waves*, I’m norcaltwitard and I’m an alco…wait, wrong intro. Some of you probably know me from twitter and the occasional comment on Twitarded and the rest of you are probably thinking “Who??”

Long story short… I got the flu really bad, like can’t sit up or move bad, about a year and a half ago and my mom was kind enough to buy me a book. That book was New Moon (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, just stop reading now and go away. Kthxbai.) and I was hooked. A few short months and several readings of the Twilight books later I stumbled across an MTV article about odd Twilight related merchandise that led me to Twitarded. After reading the Pattinson Panties post and nearly pissing myself from laughing harder than I had in literally years I became a devoted stalker, I mean blog follower. Over the next few months I discovered fanfiction, nurtured my ridiculous obsession with all things RPattz and I made the pilgrimage to Forks to meet the holy twifecta and the rest of the Twitarded h00rs I had come to know and love. And that is where I first met All Twied Up. We kareokeed…it was awesome. Since Forks, All Twied Up has become my bestest bestie and I have a feeling if we didn’t live two hours apart, we would be pretty much inseparable. I even told Mr. All Twied Up that All Twied Up was mine now and he can’t have her back, and yes, copious amounts of wine contributed to that statement, but it didn’t make it any less true.

I know you’re all wondering, “What does that have to do with why I am invading her blog today?” Well, it’s because over the last several months, along with her constant badgering about how much I “need” to join facebook (which I am still NOT doing, btw), All Twied Up has been pushing me to start a blog. And since she is an unyielding, pushy, dominatrix-type force, and I fluv her more than almost anyone she finally wore me down…sortof. Instead of starting my own blog, because I have no idea what I would fill it with or why anyone would read it, I told her I was going to hijack hers. This was followed by a desperate tweet to her that said I can’t hijack her blog because I am, in fact, not a hacker. Anyway, that is the short version of why I'm here today.

I really have no fucking clue why All Twied Up thinks I should write a blog, much less contribute to hers because I am not “dirty” or “hot” by any stretch of the imagination. All Twied Up refers to me as her ‘vanilla’ friend. That is a drastic overstatement… vanilla has way too much spice to be in anyway related to my sex life.

This glass of tepid water is a better representation of my sex life. Except that the water actually sex life, not so much.

The good news (shutup it is good news): I am very nerdy!

Intelligence…check. Socially Inept…check. Obsession…triple check.

I find extreme pleasure in a ridiculous number of dorky things, including but not limited to Star Trek, Star Wars, Monty Python, Achmed the Dead Terrorist and movies based on cartoons from the 80’s.

I own 2 pairs of jeans and wear $5 t-shirts because I’m too cheap for anything else and I bought a $13 spatula because it looks like Darth Vader. I really do need help.

I also have an unhealthy obsession with all things Twilight and/or RPattz related (this is not new to those of you who know me) and I know way too much about Great White sharks for a person who is not a Marine Biologist or that dead Crocodile Hunter guy.

Crikey…I love these sharks! Isn't he cute! Did you know they are actually warm blooded and give birth to live young?!?! So cool!

Sooooo, here I am in all my nerdy twilight/Rob obsessed glory writing my very first ever totally pointless blog post. Go easy on me… or don’t ‘cause I might enjoy the abuse. Hmmm, maybe I’m not so ‘vanilla’ after all ;)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

My 25 Things, Inspired by @SnarkierThanYou

First off, let me say how much I've loved reading everybody's 25 random facts. I find people's quirks and random facts so interesting. It's a fun way of learning things about people that sometimes you'd never know.

Secondly, sorry it took me so long to get this out. Hope you learn a little something...

Now here's the thing, I am actually worried that I will not have 25 things to share cause I feel like I so frequently have diarrhea of the mouth. I mean really, I've shared some of the most intimate parts of myself in not-so eloquent ways...if you know what I mean. And my past has not been all rainbows and butterflies. But alas, here goes my thesis:

1. I am not a dancer. I mean I CANNOT dance. However, get enough alcohol in me and good luck pulling me off that floor. It's really quite amazing how the ratio of alcohol to the ratio of dancing is spot on.

Okay, here's the worst part of #1. Sometimes I get a little too much gusto in me and actually attempt lap dances. Naturally, because I'm not that smooth, something usually goes wrong. Like this last time at my sisters birthday party (parents and parent's friends abound), my "super sexy hair whip" blinded my husband and ruined the whole thing. Check out this priceless photo:

laughing at my epic fail
2. I graduated with honors from Nursing school, am a member of an elite Nursing Honors Society, and still don't have a nursing job, *sigh*.

3. My current marriage is not my first. I did the whole "run away to Hawaii at 19 and marry an Army boy who I knew for four months who deployed for a year two months later".... then get divorced 2 years later thing. It was one of the most difficult times of my life, but I'm one of those "everything shitty that happens is a lesson" type of people. I would NEVER be where I am now without that experience.

4. I, too, had a horse when I was younger. She was named Little Bit because she was so small. She had a small bit, you know, the part of the reigns that fits in the mouth? She was inches away from being considered a pony. We had to get rid of her because of number five.

awww, reminds me of Little Bit
5. I started playing soccer when I was four. I started playing competitively when I was 10, by the time I was a freshman in High School, I was a starter on the Varsity Team at only 13. At 13 I defended a Senior who would later that next year join the Women's National Team. She didn't score on me. ;) I ended up dropping the sport my junior year before the college recruiters started hounding me. My entire life had become soccer. I started dreading practice (which was every day) and hating playing the game. I had 4-6 concussions in about 2 years, and I started playing recklessly hoping to break a bone so that way I wouldn't have to actually tell my parents/teammates that I wanted to stop playing. It was who I was, I didn't have an identity outside of it, friends out side of it or a passion for anything else to take it's place. See number seven.

6.  I converted to the LDS (Mormon) Church when I was 15. I was dating a boy in high school for 3.5 years, he was Mormon and I started to go to church with him. I was raised without any religion and took to it very well. We broke up, then I got baptized. I was very active in it for three years before I started dating a guy who wasn't in the church. I didn't know how to say "no" back then, and did sexual things with him that I really didn't want to and ended up regretting and feeling super ashamed of. That eventually lead to a guilt so overwhelming that I left the church. Upon leaving the church,...

7. I started dating a 41 year old and picked up a baaad smoking habit. I got up to 1.5 packs per day when I quit. Back then, in Hawaii, you could smoke in bars. I could put down 1.5 packs in a NIGHT. I would wake up the next morning feeling like utter SHIT and started coughing up brown phlegm. As sad as it sounds, I always viewed it as passive aggressive suicide. I considered myself to be too much of a pussy to slit my wrists, so I figured I'd just make my life shorter. I've been a non-smoker for about 5 years now, and now only smoke cigars. I don't inhale, I swear. I love hookahs and hookah bars, though. And yes, I inhale those. ;)

Not me. Or anybody I know. But hookah and
slippers FTMFW.
8. This is probably not news to anybody here, but as my husband says, my "cup runeth over"... meaning I have no verbal filter. I can usually fake it pretty well, around in-laws/ work folk, but that's keeping a conscious filter at all times. When I am drinking or when the filter is down, I say some fucked up shit to people. Like the other day, I was drinking with friends and started describing how my husband is never content with one sexual position during sex. It's always 2-5. The hubs kinda looked at me like WTF? Where did that come from? It just popped in my head. I just said it. It's as simple as that!

9. I was the last to develop in my class, and weighed 105 lbs graduating high school. I'm damn near 5'7''. I got called every name in the book as a kid. I've had actual interventions from people thinking I was anorexic because I was so tiny. My high school nick name was "stick"... given to me by my soccer coach. I hated girls who would complain about their period cramps or their boobs being sore cause I was so massively jealous. Looking back, I didn't have the body fat to start my period. I was put on hormones because when I did have my first period (at 16.5), it lasted for 14 days and soaked through 2 pads per hour. Yeah. Miserable. I've been on the pill damn near ever since. Once I stopped playing soccer competitively, I got tits and my hips widened practically over night.

10. I've told nearly all of you that I'm a lacto-vegetarian (bordering on vegan) but what you don't know, is that we have the WORST farts ever. Oh my gawd, I'm talking raunchy. Broccoli, one of my favorite veggies, hates my bowels. Pray they don't have broccoli in forks, @norcaltwitard, @amandakmelby, @jaymes805...cause you'll be hating life in that room!

11. I met my husband on Myspace. LMAO! I'm not even kidding. He sent me a message saying "Hi. :)" I looked at his profile pic and saw this:

fucking jawgasm

This was the kicker
So I emailed him back the same thing. "Hi. :)" and the rest is history. We started emailing on Myspace, then chatting on YIM, then web-camming and texting, then we had our first date. He was so shy he couldn't look me in the face. When you'll meet him, you'll see how UNshy he is. He said he just knew I was "different right away." Ugh, melting! (yes, I actually just went on Myspace to get those pics. lol!)

12. I was born and raised in the Bay Area, now moving back after being in Hawaii for so long, people ask me where I'm from. Psssshaw! I'm a NorCal girl at heart. :) It's okay, I love my SoCal girls. Because they are so unlike the stereotypical SoCal girls. :)

lol love it!

13. My mom is one of my best friends, but if she ever saw this blog she'd freak. I share about 95% of myself with my mother, which is actually a hell of a lot. She even went to FOOOOORKS with me last year and we had a freakin awesome time! I love my mommy so much.

14. There are three things that genetics has the potential of fucking me over with. Panic Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and Colon Cancer. On both my maternal and paternal side. I have two thus far. When I turn thirty I'll be getting the ol scope up the pooper (technical term) to make damn sure that I don't get all three.

15. I value most animal lives over human's lives. Sounds so sick considering my chosen profession and all, but I'll be damned, it's the truth. I don't think that 75% of people deserve the air they breathe. But I'll do my best to assure they still get it. Who am I to judge? I try to stay as nonjudgmental as I can because I can't stand people who judge others, I just tend to dislike ignorant people.

Biocentrism (Greek: βίος, bio, "life"; and κέντρον, kentron, "center"), in a political and ecological sense, is an ethical point of view which extends inherent value to non-human species,[1]ecosystems, and processes in nature - regardless of their sentience.[2] It stands in contrast to anthropocentrism which centers on the value of humans

That's me. AKA Hippie? lol Courtesy of good ol Wikipedia.

16. You probably wouldn't guess, but I'm a bit of a Metal Head. Check out my most recent post here. Most of my iPhone contains music that would make most people around the world cringe. The harder the better. I can't stand what society calls "alternative" now days. I'd love it if Hinder, Nickelback and Post-"My Own Prison" Creed would go on a world tour, share a plane, and shared a fiery death just so I would never have to hear one of their songs ever again. No offense, ladies, if you care. :)

17. Now here comes a big secret. I'm a HUGE Britney Spears fan. Fucking love her new stuff. I mean Crazy era and after that. The stuff that's more club/techno than pop. "Gimme More" and "3" are my freakin jams. I have the "Best of" and I quite frequently bump the shit out of it. I mean that literally. I have two 10'' subs in my trunk. ;) My car used to be the hubs car. He had it pretty tricked out. When he got his dream truck, I negotiated the system. Schweeeeet!

18. I've recently lost 20 lbs. Yeah, it's work's fault. I had to buy all new pants/shorts/skirts. I'm a huge cheap ass, so this was seriously a big deal. I still wear clothes from middle school. Hey, dont' judge. The old shirts are always the most comfortable! :)

19. I get severe road rage. Specifically towards those that don't use their blinkers. I literally have been known to yell, "USE YOUR FUCKING BLINKER YOU GODDAMN DUMBASS!" I am a horn honker and a finger flipper. And a mean-mugger. It's horribly embarrassing and it's in a very tourette-like manner. It makes my blood boil and I hate it! I wish I had more self control.

20. My husband officially fucking broke our bed... fucking. He literally pulled one of these:

Except with the footboard. He tore it apart!!!

That is a Vietnam-era ammunition can holding
our bed up. You can see where the hubs
tried to fix it with screws. FML.
 So now our extracurriculars have had to be either elsewhere or super, ahem, careful.

21. I love shitty TV. Jersey Shore, Bad Girls Club, The Real Housewives of New Jersey... The shittier the better! I don't know why I love them so much. Probably because I keep the drama in my life to a very, very minimum. I find the trashy drama so freakin entertaining! I can laugh at them, not cause I'm in the shitty situation myself. Ah, I love it! Oh yeah, I'm also the biggest Survivor fan! I watch every season. On a similar note, I'm a huge premium channel watcher. I love movies and I spend way too much of my spare time watching movies on TV.

22. I recently decided I wanted a snake. I went to the pet store to investigate the possibilities of raising a vegetarian snake and the woman looked at me like I wanted to skin it alive and ritualistically burn it. "Why on EARTH would you want to change it's nature?! NO, don't get a snake."..... I mean I totally see her point, but day-am! I just can't see something eaten alive. Even the pinkies that are frozen are just too much for me!

23. When I'm bored and sad, I go to the pet stores and pet puppies and look at kitties and other little animals. If it were up to me I'd have a million acres and I'd save all the homeless and helpless little animals. I will be "that" cat lady when I am older. The hubs even expects it. :) He says he'll prevent it, but I'd like to see him try. Muahahaha!

24. I've been dabbling with the idea of having a guest blogger here, you know who you are, bb, I just have to figure out how the hell to do it!

25. I've spilled enough guts. I hope you are all sated.

Love you all!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

OMG. Me in a nutshell. Watch and learn.

Obligatory cute animals + metal = mother fucking win.

I saw them in concert. They rocked my socks off.

There is no more that needs to be said. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

My pseudo Twilight tattoo...

It's not a freakin shitty rendition of Edward like some of you other bloggy buddies have posted, but it was inspired by a certain Twilight actress....

A prize for the person who knows who this is... okay,
not really, but seriously.... know who it is?*

I've been wanting to get my husband's name on my ring finger for a really long time. Not on top like Pam Anderson's Tommy tattoo or anything like this,

But something that will be there forever, letting him know that I'm forever his... in more ways than one. Originally I wanted to add an apostrophe "S" but decided my mother would disown me. So instead I went for this:



There's more....

I've wanted a white ink tattoo for the longest time, and I've wanted it to say "Family" and be in this particular location for a very, very long time. I just finally had the balls.

Holy shit, what a night! :)

*Nikki Reed