Thursday, October 28, 2010

Corn Maze of Hell

So last week the hubs and I went to the pumpkin patch with another couple. We wanted to do the corn maze, but we were told that it takes 2+ hours. The sun was already setting so we decided to meet up this Thursday and give it a whirl. Now this corn maze is not just your ordinary corn maze. It was in the Guinness Book of World Records for being so crazy.

Yeah, no freakin joke. Little did we know.
So we all meet up this afternoon. Let me add that I have super poor planning skills and did not schedule around the freakin WORLD SERIES game with my all-time favorite team playing tonight (and ultimately winning). Besides, these friends of ours are moving to Europe here in one week. I figured friends over baseball, right? Needless to say, I took my phone and was watching like a hawk for updates. The stupid middle of nowhere and lack of 3G made it a very slow and tedious process. But I digress...

Before we started the maze, they gave us all a map. Now, this map was quite intimidating, but there were 5 adults that went, how hard could it be, right?

That should have been a hint! Turn around and run!!
Well, we get started, and realize that the beginning, a circular part of the maze is not marked like they said it would be. It was supposed to be set up in a grid fashion and they made it seem as if at every corner and turn there would be someway to orient yourself. Well, what they gave us to go off of were little tiny-ass pieces of wood with numbers and letters scribbled on them. Some of them were painted yellow, some of them were not. Locating these markers was a problem in itself.

Really? This is all you have for us to go off of?
Well we were in there for almost an hour before we realize that some smart-assed little f*ckers decided it would be funny to move the markers and/or remove them completely. We would send out recon parties to search for markers, begging for some semblance of a clue as to where we were.

Hmmm, know what's supposed to be in that hole? A freakin marker!!!
How am I supposed to find my way around in this?!?!
So two hours later, we realize we are only half of the way through the maze. What makes it harder, on top of the loss of day light and the lack of markers, is that it is obvious that other people were getting frustrated as well because there were all the makeshift "cheater" trails going everywhere. If you are looking at a map, expecting to find a dead end but instead find a trial, how on earth are you supposed to orient yourself? We were losing light to the point where we were pulling out our phones and turning them on our maps, not a great idea. Once again, poor planning!

Tell me that's not straight out of the movie "Signs"!

We all start to get frustrated but don't really want to show it. Some group we ran into felt guilty enough and gave us one of their flashlights, thank goodness. That is when we hatch our plan. We oriented ourselves south, and decided to say f*ck the trials, we are going straight until we are out of the corn maze hell. We slither through all of the corn until we finally reach the perimeter of the maze...2.5 hours later! We didn't even complete the maze, but it was pitch black and we were over it. We all decided to go to Mountain Mikes (best bizza EVAR!) and we proceed to get a little tip-say while watching the rest of the ball game.

While our maze adventure was a big fat fail, the beer, pizza and awesomeness that is the San Francisco Giants made up for it.

Giants for the mother f*cking win, baby!
While I don't think that I will be attempting the maze again under anywhere near the same circumstances, perhaps I'll go at it again next year at the beginning of the season, before all the little jerks mess it up, with a camel-back, the biggest mag light I can find, and 3 MREs. Oh yeah, and starting at noon, not afternoon. I do not want to be in the middle of some creppy-ass Mel Gibson movie ever again.


  1. What a mess! That reminds me of the fields around The Burrow in Harry Potter. Where bad wizards abound. Hope you had your wands.

    What? I thought we were allowed to be nerdy here. No?

  2. Hahaha!Funny thing is, I totally just bought a Harry Potter wand for Halloween. I got the glasses and the Gryffindor tie as well. ;) I should have brought it! "Lumos!!" Pssh, who needs a flashlight when you have a wand?!

    Yes, we embrace the nerdy here. ;) Feel free to let loose. ;)

  3. More power to you. I love mazes ... on PAPER!!! I definitely would be annoyed if I couldn't figure out. My Type A would go insane... ok more insane LOL!!!